...The Right to Write - Exercise...

Initiation Tool - create "Morning Pages", writing 3 pages longhand every morning (90 days straight)

Wed. Sept. 1, 2010 - "Morning Pages" - Day #22 - Barnes and Noble, Court St., Brooklyn

My chest just caved in...and almost crushed my freckled soul. It's a good thing I wear diapers. On my way to the train, I just dropped this notepad out of my backpack, but didn't realize it for about a block. The backpack felt light and awkward, I looked down, it was unzipped, no yellow pad in there! I almost freaked. I really recently thought about what if I lost this. I already lost my mind, I can't lose this! If I lost this the only thing left to lose would be my virginity - my comedic virginity...imagine that, not once has someone laughed at one of my jokes, whatever...I retraced my steps and there it was, on the ground, in front of my building, face down, ready to be taken by any passerby...then read by them, posted on their blog, and Idea-Awards would start to overflow their dresser. I hope one of them falls off the dresser and hits them on the foot, hard. I've dropped an Idea (award) before, they hurt...

...I honestly would rather have lost my wallet. That's got 3 bucks, crispy ones though, some receipts, a monthly metro card, that would have sucked huge Coronas to lose that, a debit card, whatever, I'd cancel it, get another...but my chest still hurts at the thought of losing this pad. We've discussed this, it's got future Idea-Awards prescribed on it, I know it! Who else can create a metaphor out of the middle urinal, rhetorical. And yes, I believe, you create a couple middle urinal jokes and you become an artist. Todaboconoma! I'm so glad I didn't lose this.

In the margin I jotted: Consider, when this is really a book, obviously on it's way, calling it "Todaboconoma" - explain it's meaning at a later date, and, of course, with my brother's permission, he came up with it...about a decade ago...man I was unstoppable a decade ago. Todaboconoma...

...

I'm stealing time to write before I have to go to a school and clean out a closet, a breakthrough in my career, preparing for school to start up again -- Back to School Kids! Oh, I used to hate that, seeing posters, at stores like Staples, with the "Back to School" signs. There I am just a youngster enjoying the summer hunnies, drinking ice tea, in the hot sun, and you gotta go and put out that sign...I'm sorry, I just blacked out, what'd I just write?...Anyways, times have changed, haven't you heard? I'm looking forward to going back to school, I need money, badly...But, back to closets for now. I'm about to go clean one, and makes me think about metaphorically cleaning out our closets, and well, what if we lost most everything in it. What would we keep if we could truly keep a few, or just one thing in there? This is getting so deep that it's the deep-end and those under 5 feet shall not be reading in these waters -- what?...

Yesterday I jotted down in my Moleskine, I know, impressive, motherfucker's got a Moleskine...I jotted: I think if I had, had! to take just one thing out of this computer, bottle of water, cell phone, book or notepad with all my "Morning Pages", I would choose the pad...

That's exactly what I jotted, 3 dots at the end and all, even more impressive, I don't know...and to think I almost just lost the pad...

Pause and pick up later. I truly have to go clean a closet now. I foreshadow writing overflowing with inspiration afterwards...cleaning gets a man going, it doesn't?...

...

It's later, and that inspiration is anything but flowing, nevermind overflowing. It's like I can't control my mind...when first writing that sentence I wrote: controlling mind my...check the first draft on the legal pad, that's what I wrote then crossed it out, you can still somewhat read it - as proof that I can't control my mind...and that's why...

...I felt a little blue after the closet cleaning at the school - so, I jotted down on the pad: go into seeing all these teachers coming back for another year, already established in their careers, admittance of jealousy...see, I do get jealous, "Not Yoko"...

...This jealousy happened while cleaning out the closet, chatting it up with teachers after not seeing them over the summer, going over the cliche how was your summers, good, good, etc. and whatever...and then them asking my plans...well, I'm subbing again with the hopes to one day make "that" Hall of Fame, and I'll be doing playgroup, some afterschool program, yeah, exciting stuff...Was up high with thoughts of this becoming a book, remember, and then almost immediately thrown to the ground like all my convictions for the future have vanished, and are not possible anymore...

This is why I should write in the morning! - Less distractions, and more time left with the rest of the day to keep my self-esteem up, saying to myself that, yes, I have no career, etc. and whatever, but at least I wrote today...and that's more important than teaching, it's not? I hope Hunter College, the school I'm trying to get into to get my Masters in Education, doesn't read this. But in the end, Daily Nuggets alone should get someone into a place of higher learning, it shouldn't?...

Today's "Morning Pages" was more of a note taking day...I recall Ms. Cameron quoting some dude, later to be found out, saying that taking great notes is the most important thing in writing...I'll look the dude's name up at a later date, he didn't say remembering his name was most important...And, I'll get a career then as well, or the next day...the following day I'm busy, but then maybe the next day I could get one...but...but I did write today, just more so in note form...Todaboconoma, maybe, who knows...forever apologizing for who I am while nobody is asking for apologies.

Jotted in Moleskine after riding home after writing the above: Securities important, ask that lock on that closet...that's why...I'm always clean haven...because acceptance is a haven...

...Although, at the moment, I do have a beard, so maybe I'm straying...and, maybe I should read my own writing more often...it can keep the spirits up...it usually does...whatever for now...until tomorrow.