Initiation Tool - create "Morning Pages", writing 3 pages longhand every morning (90 days straight)Mon. Aug. 30, 2010 - "Morning Pages" - Day #20 - My apartment couch with Bob Dylan staring at me, standing on the coffee table...
If all of us could record, or write down, all of our thoughts, we'd all either be best-sellers, or locked up. Like Dylan said, "If my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine" (It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)). It's 5:42 AM, I don't have to work until 10, I set my alarm for 8, but my cat, Bob Dylan who created those lyrics, he didn't? texted me at 5 AM to hang out. He's Bob, so that's why I walked, felt like sleep walking, from my girlfriend's place to mine, around the block, at 5:30 AM - to kick it with Bob. I'm kicking it with him right now as I try to record all of those thought-dreams. He's now on the floor, spread out, doing the one-tuck. I used to date a girl that did the one-tuck, a different tuck, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm inclined to put myself up on a pedestal, placing myself in the category of those that would become best-sellers - only if I could get it all down on the page, we think. But, with comments like that tuck comment, well, maybe you should get that guillotine prepared. Mind's racing and not sleeping again. I've thought these thoughts before, thinking back to when this sleeping problem was at its worst, wishing I had written when I was in that state of mind -- like now, up at 5:30 AM, and had planned on not getting up until 8 AM - and, no, my cat didn't really text me, he rarely does anymore, maybe subconsciously that's why I couldn't sleep. I guess that's the most frustrating part nowadays when I can't sleep, there seems to be no reason or rhyme (actually it can't stop rhyming, but I'm white, so my delivery is off timing, yeah, ok?) to why I can't sleep. Again, I've been sleeping so much better this past year, can thank "Not Yoko", my girlfriend, bandmate, for that. Will thank later when she wakes up. I've probably slept more hours this year than in the previous 2 years combined, think about that, seriously, stare at that wall for awhile, and think, about, that...So, why lately have I had more of those episodes? Go to bed about 11:30 PM, fall asleep pretty fast, but wake up about 3ish, roll around for half hour or so, get up, read Daily Nuggets, laugh by self, feel better about self (for some reason), then attempt to go back to sleep. That routine has worked over the past year. Fall asleep, but wake hours later, can't fall back asleep so I get up, read Internet for about 20 minutes, and I've had good success after that falling asleep. However, lately I've had more episodes where that formula hasn't worked - so after failed attempts to fall back asleep, I leave my girlfriend, "Not Yoko's" place, and come to mine. It's time to not sugar coat this anymore. After college I graduated with a sleeping disorder (degree), I couldn't fall asleep because I wasn't happy, simple. But, I'm happy now, well, specifically at 6:02 AM this morning I'm not the happiest camper - but, the happiest camper is only one person, hence the "ist" after "happy", meaning there's only one, he's solo in how happy camping makes him, and that leaves us with only one conclusion - dude loves camping way too much, may lead to the guillotine, or at least Starbucksland...
These episodes, leaving my girlfriend's place at insane hours, I kiss her on the cheek, tell her I'm going to try to fall asleep at my place - "See you later, love you too"...only she didn't say it yet? Ok, well that should help my sleeping, thanks - just kidding - she of course said it. I like the whole I love yous, especially when the other person mumbles it, both of us have done it, we mean the words, but for some reason it flows out easier sometimes, maybe at different hours of the day. The mumbled "I love you" becomes more of a "la-u-2" and often the other person can't hear it because you said it too softly, forcing the "what?" and you have to say it again...I'm not necessarily complaining - this is a good thing, it's not?...
...So, we say our goodbyes, see you laters. I unlock her door and take the walk down that hall, it's too familiar a feeling, "Oh, not again, I mean, why? Life would be so much easier if", etc...In the midst of writing this I'm reminded of other "Morning Pages" where I talk about how humans make life so much harder than it has to be. And so, now I think, as I just thought of that cloudy, yet so familiar walk down that hall, that maybe I should do all I can to void out all the crap in my life that I cause, making my own life harder. I'm not exactly sure what those are though, if only the answers were more visible, my cat, Bob Dylan, said they're blowing in the wind, but he just farted and the wind reeks and I don't feel like trying to breathe in these damn answers to all life's questions at 6ish AM. Maybe the answer is my diet, some may say it's a lack of career and its search, but they don't know, they do? Maybe it's, I've thought before, it could be the coffee, my vice, Love it! But generally I have one cup a day, although yesterday had 2, one at 7 PM. This one cup a day is unlike before when my sleeping problem was at its worst. I'd get up, after another failed sleeping performance, drink coffee all day, mixed with beer at times, and stay up until I absolutely had to pass out. But, unlike then, I am now writing down these thought-dreams, more than likely leading toward a best-seller, or at least another Idea-Award. And as I type, Blowin' in the Wind plays (no, seriously, it is). I remember when Obama won, I played that song the day after the election - it sounded like a fucking victory song...I'm sick of wondering what if - oh what if I had written all those days I couldn't sleep, and of course, thinking only if I could sleep, etc. I could write a book about all that I wish I had done. But, my blog is presently getting fuller these days - "That's what she said, " said Michael Scott from The Office, best joke ever, either that, or my joke about when teachers tell a class to turn to p. 69, killing in middle schools across America, and these kids don't even understand what they'll laughing at...I wish I had done...there's going to be more moments in my life where I reflect and wish I had done things differently, we all will...as I finish another "Morning Pages", take "that" breath, and realize this has to be the answer. Man, I love hanging out with Bob, he's got some of the answers, paw lick. Text me anytime at 5 AM Bob, Bobster, Bobby D, Bob-ba, etc. I will see you on tour, We're Not John and Yoko touring with Bobby D and the Bow-Ties soon!...And so, I'll leave myself, not you (whatever), with this...
...Just do it, it's not always, or usually never, that easy, but may I wish it were, for now will pretend it is...for I just did it - finishing at 6:28 AM. While others sleep, I will sleep when I'm dead, apparently whether I choose to or not, etc...who knows. Not always a question.
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