Initiation Tool - create "Morning Pages", writing 3 pages longhand every morning (90 days straight)Sun. Sept. 5, 2010 - "Morning Pages" - Day #26 - Girlfriend's apartment @ 12:43 AM...another bad one...ranting...
I wish I could stay awake to write all of this down, I wish I could tell everyone how I feel, like that guy, fuck him, I wish I could tell my girlfriend that I love her, I have, but I don't think she completely believes me, and I don't know if I completely believe anything I say until I'm completely well rested, when will that day come, I look to the ceiling, a few flies chilling, but answers to these fucking questions that I never asked, but then keep creeping in and coming back, make it impossible to comprehend my life, where it was, how it got here, and forget thinking about tomorrow, especially when you didn't even fall asleep last night, which means tomorrow is almost 24 hours away, for it's now 12:48 AM, and somebody else is conducting this pen...I'll organize these ideas tomorrow, or I mean later today, hopefully during sane hours...we'll see, who knows, no, seriously, who knows?
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...I'm making Ramen noodles right now, another sign everything's going according to plan...the detail and insaneness of this dude's plan for life, to foresee he'd be making Ramen's on Sept. 5, 2010 at @ 2:50 AM, unbelievable, but true, isn't not?...I'm that dude, self-marveling...
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...I had fallen asleep for, I'm guessing, 4 minutes and 26 seconds...my theory is that my empty stomach disrupted this attempt, another failed one, at sleeping...that's why I'm cooking (" ") Ramen's...it's like my mind is a TV that's on, the channels are flipping, no shows truly seen, just flipping, the off button's been pressed, pressed harder, but won't shut off, if only, if only...my body itches, I'm not sure if sleep deprivation makes a body more prone to the itch, but that's what's happening, making me constantly shift, involuntary gesture after gesture...gesture sounds like such a nice word, an action word that, say, a grandmother might do, but if that's true, fuck a grandma, because these involuntary "gestures" are keeping me up...and postponing me from growing up...yeah, whatever...who cares about growing up when all you want is to not wake up again in the same day...like today, or is it considered yesterday now?...Insomnia, a never ending song that tells you about all the cliches and metaphors of life, like the worst - "Life's a rollercoaster", it's got twists and turns, ups and downs, well yeah...life has diseases, and genocide, and drug abuse, spouse abuse, and now, metaphor abuse, and I don't want to have these conversations at 3:03 AM...but the song continues, and it's refrain is just more bullshit lyrics that makes life harder than it has to be - but it does convey the images of today turning into tomorrow because you physically see them every fucking morning when the clock hits 12, and later, when the sun awakes and rises...it's tomorrow, no, it's today...the song plays, bringing you down, again, that familiar hallway, walking from your girlfriend's place to yours, the walls pumping like they're your temples when you've got a migraine...
In the margins I jotted: Go into Inception...Beautiful Mind...John Nash, etc...
...Will I ever get the Ramen's out of the strainer holes...who strains Ramen's?...well, that was my decision, made at 3 in the morning...It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is on and they're putting cats in walls...I'm not in the mood for an explanation, if you've seen the show, it makes complete sense...if you haven't, then remain confused and consider yourself normal - for life is confusing...but then, consider yourself not normal and borderline - loser - for not watching Sunny...just another reflection we're all insane...except Charlie, of course...signing off, and hopefully will sign back on during sane hours..."hopefully", again..."if only"...
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...I meant to sign off, but I'm still awake...and so...and so, we are told not to live in "only ifs", but we all catch ourselves saying this to ourselves...and you can say it, "if only", or "only if", and which way you say it has no correlation to your sexuality, in case you were worrying, or wondering, or both...Of course, my "only if" is - only if I could fall asleep and get proper rest on a daily basis, and well, I'd be unstoppable, referring, of course, to on a basketball court, and off, on the streets, I wouldn't?...I've also said to myself - "as long as", and lately I added, "keep writing"...as long as I keep writing, etc....I'll get where I want to in life, writing will keep me going...but, at whatever insane hour I'm presently writing during, I walk over to change the Ipod, now playing AA Bondy...and, on my way back to the computer, to keep writing, I look at the bed, see someone in it, and realize it's the people in my life that'll, and do, keep me going...they will keep the writing going, keep it alive, me alive...
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I eventually fell asleep, it must have been 5ish AM, and now I've signed back onto today's "Morning Pages" that I almost completed last night, well, earlier this morning, insane, it feels like a different day, hungover from last night's, earlier this morning's, writing, dreaming, writing...
...but, I feel good because today's pages are almost completed, and although I don't like the reality of what I wrote, it feels good to get these feelings off my chest, very hairy chest, remember?...with the freckled soul underneath...and again, these stories, my writing, dreaming, etc. and whatever, they're my self-torturing stories, and I'm glad to keep entertaining you with them...I hope you are enjoying them...and, I sign off for today with...and...go fuck yourself...I'm tired...and not quite yet sober with my insanity, "only if" and "as long as I".
Other margin jotts: keeping a pad on floor for when I can't fall asleep, well, I quickly write ideas down, while you're sleeping, and later, during sane hours, you can be entertained...I'm not a kid anymore...so I'm not afraid of the dark...more, now, it's like I'm afraid of the night.
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