...Idiot Guides...

Like most college graduates, I’ve had many off-days lately…not off, like an athlete, say, Alex Rodriquez in the playoffs off-days, but vacation days, being in-between odd jobs, not having post-graduation going as I planned…Like that “golden rule” (hand-quotes acceptable in this situation), I don’t remember my “PLANS” (hand-quotes twice in a sentence is pushing it, “Pushing It Real Good”)…

[Sidebar: just released gas and have stunk up my section of library…White guy passes, and I think, “Just another white guy caught up in the mix”]…

…the only thing I remember about my plans is that they “did” involve being unemployed during the summer, but also being extra-productive with my Tuesday by going to the Brooklyn (Brooklyn!) Public Library (Library!) and reading the shit out of Sam Borden’s Complete Idiot’s Guide to Soccer Basics…hence Idiot…while walking around the library for 15 minutes, up and down the same stairs 4 times, I walked by some author’s Idiot’s Guide to Christianity, commenting to the “Peanut Gallery” inside my head, “What Idiot would read that?”…then, finally I admitted my “Idiocracy” and like a “Man” finally accepting he’s lost and asking for directions, I asked a “librarian” (random quotes is always a good time, especially when unemployed) where my Idiot’s Guide was located…and that brings me here…texting my friend Nate about today’s “Daily Nugget” – “At library reading about soccer”…He replied, “fun subject to read about”…I haven’t cracked open, or sunk my tooth (only one left) into this guy yet, but I have a feeling, despite what the blogs say, Nate knows what he’s talking about…this Idiot’s Guide is going to be well worth my time…and so is being an assistant coach for 7th/8th grade soccer this fall…like many college graduates that don’t find careers in their major’s field, I stopped playing soccer before puberty to focus on my studies (of basketball and baseball), and now decided to start coaching this game people can’t decide what to call (it’s soccer…no, I’m a purist, it’s football)…

…It’s inspiring to think what “field” you can end up finding yourself in, and this fall you can find me in/on? a soccer field…I’m going to start “reading” and later will “Twitter”/ “Tweet”? what I’ve learned…

[Sidebar: The whole premise of these “Idiot Guides” is “Brilliant” like those Guinness commercials (I have an endorsement deal with the “Goodness” like your gay uncle has one with the “devil”…and we all know what that means”…???)…Idiot Guide’s premise equals genius…how many Americans are walking around wondering how to do something and come across their Idiot’s Guide and say, “Hey…I’m an idiot…I can read this and do that”…Example…Idiot's Guide to Starting A Band…and that equals ridiculous!…I’ve got the equations for this stuff…I haven’t read the Rolling Stones’ Wikipedia entry, but it’s not “Wild” to guess they didn’t read such a “guide”…Idiot’s Guide to Guiding Oneself Away from the Guide”…Bill Maher suggested reading that after the Christianity guide…

…Outside the library...a guy, he’s old, walks by, it’s sunny…he decides to recite, “Singing in the rain”…someone should prescribe him The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Refraining from Reciting Completely Out of Nowhere Lyrics…Coming Soon!...Also, Idiot’s Guide to Reading Idiot Guides]…

[Sidebar/Sidebar: I think I'll dedicate myself to this field of famous blogging more often otherwise next fall I'll find myself reading another Idiot's Guide and finding myself in/on another field I never planned to be upon]...

...Little Bobby Dylan!!!...

The musician Bob Dylan began livin’ on May 24, 1941...The cat Bob Dylan began livin’ June 30, 2009…He is a new and welcome member of the Kennedy Family…and he is Bob Dylan…You can tell by the tune of his meow…unless of course…you’re a moron...We took Bobby out of the store cage, it sniffed my navy blue William S. Thomson Golf Scramble T-Shirt, and whistled “Chimes of Freedom”…HE DIDN”T???...We purchased the cat food…and the liter, in which he found his “direction” to…lil’ Bobby D took his first leak in his new “home”…tomorrow he will start writing lyrics...

(Above picture is the cover of Bob Dylan's album "Bringing It All Back Home"...the cat in Dylan's arms is not Little Bobby D...but mide as well have been...looks just like him!!!)

Twitter has gotten out of control…just listen to the news and hear CNN’s Wolfgang Blitzer in the midst of his Twitter...as long as we agree it has gotten out of control I will now introduce to you…ANIMAL TWITTER…just like you don’t care what I’m doing every second of every day, I don’t care what you are doing every second…but also just like you, I don’t care what your animal is doing every second of everyday…but I LOVE telling you…here’s some Twitters or tweets or meows…how about some Nuggets of Cat Bob Dylan’s first full day in his new home…

TWITTER FOR ANIMALS!!!

...Lil’ Bobby D takes leak, a rare occasion when “Ohs” are a response to taking a dump…poetic…his first lyric…

...I stretched, Bobby D attacked my bare feet...as I stretched, I told Lil' Bobby to "Protect Yo Neck"...I will introduce Wu-Tang to him at a later date...he caught the reference already anyways...he's from Brooklyn!!!...

...Lil' Bobby D wrote some more lyrics...he will share them with the public at a later date...there is no "Blowing in the Wind", "The Time They Are A-Changin'" Esque lyrics quite yet...but he'll keep forcing his paw...in fact, I'm suggesting his first single be his song "Force Thy Paw"...and it goes a little something like...-"Names Little Bobby D/ Every meow is a 'Chime' that is free/ What I do presently is 'Force Thy Paw'/ But maintain the style of a 'Eddie Murphy Raw'"...

...You could never tell by my personality (those that responded with "or lack thereof' should write that down and bring it to the Improv and see how it works out)...tell by personality that I don't have a tendency to dust very often...this leads to our apartment getting dusty...the dustiest spot is the corner where our couches meet...and thus, Little Bobby keeps taking naps there and wakes up dusty...I cleaned...and "Bobby Ain't Dusty No More", his fellow-up single...a little something like...-"Names still Bobby D/ Sleeping in the dust where the couches meet is my tendency/ My brother's Garrett Kennedy/ I'm a quick learner/ And quickly learned/ He will do anything for me/ Hence, he cleaned/ And Bobby ain't Dusty, Dusty No More"... 

...We...as in...Me and Little Bobby D listened to Cat Power's album "You Are Free"...he sat on the couch, paws tucked and nodded his head throughout the entire album, saying "Yes...Cat Power!"...Next we put on Cat Power's song "Song to Bobby" (real song)...Cat Power (real name Chan Marshall) denied interview for this Animal Twitter...but the saying goes, "everyone should assume"...so it is safe to assume the above song is an ode to Little Bobby D...

...Bobby D and Me (not "I" because it don't rhyme...not "doesn't" because I said so)...we discussed our philosophy on life, politics, religion, our favorite novels...checked and crossed off names of dames in our Little Black Books...all of this over Little Bobby D's bowl of H2O, my cup of iced tea...and shared a bucket of 24 hot wings, licked fingers-n-paws clean...naps and exercise...

...ignored calls from Cat Fancy Magazine, asking Little Bobby D to be on the cover..he's lived a short life, but has experienced some Blues already...but is not ready to sell-out yet folks...

...What's more ridiculous, your Tweets? of yourself...or my Nuggets of Little Bobby D's day...Rhetorical!!!

THE STRANGE BOYS CONCERT!!!

“Great show, man,” I said as I shook the Strange Boys bassist’s hand. He responded, “Thanks a lot”, and our conversation was almost as long as their set. I had to throw in “man” otherwise we wouldn’t have connected on such a real level. He understood so I walked away, he went back to talking to the two young females that shook his hand before I did. The Strange Boys were among many bands (Mika Miko, The Coathangers, others don’t remember) that played Saturday night (June 13) in Bed Stuy Brooklyn at The Market Hotel. They were by far the best band and played by far the shortest set. The Strange Boys, an Austin, Texas band (we think in their early-20s), are a recent find by the Kennedy family. I read about them in an interview with Patrick Carney, the Black Keys drummer. He said something to the effect of “they will kick your ass every time”… raced to their MySpace, ignored rent and ordered their debut CD, And Girls Club. I haven’t stopped listening for months straight. It’s the best music I have heard since first hearing The Black Keys and The White Stripes. I’m pretty excited.

Back to Bed Stuy. And their concert. First off, the venue, The Market Hotel was a hard find considering there is absolutely no advertising of the place outside. Just a brick wall, a dude chillin’ and a dirty dirty gray door -- so we walked by it, convenient when a visitor to Bed Stuy. Also, I had searched many minutes to find its’ phone number. None found. Just a MySpace saying they rarely sell tickets for shows. When we arrived another dude (dude’s are flockin’ to Bed Stuy this season, birds going south) informed us we will pay between 9 and 15 dollars, our choice. I gave nine, get over it. We walked in. You won’t catch me doing this. It’s not my style. But you’ve got those that don’t watch the concert hangin’ outside the toilets, sitting Indian-style (that’s so offensive?) on the wooden floors, smoking cigarettes, self-rolled…I saw the tobacco pouch!...smoking inside, get over it…the place felt like it was somebody’s attic and we were invited…and it looked like an overgrown bar toilet…you know exactly what I’m saying.

To the main area…in corners there’s couches and people are relaxing waiting for the music like it’s just another Saturday night in Bed Stuy…for me too…it was also bring your own alcohol…and that’s why I brought my East Pack, seven sixteen-ouncers will do the trick.…more people sitting a certain style on the wooden floors, flicked ash now apart of their designer jeans (somebody must have designed everybody’s jeans, so it applies for all these dudes, dudeettes)…and we proceed to have pointless conversation, the music’s so loud I can’t hear you so we play the leaning into each others ear game every time we gain the motivation to stop acting like I heard what you said…drink your Bud and tap your toe to the rhythm of the pregame musicians…you need to work on your toe-tapping, this is Brooklyn!...

…we headed to the front of the pack when we sensed it was time for The Strange Boys…they were setting up and I sensed a sensation of urination coming…always a key to concert experience…you don’t want to be emptying that Bud when your band is playing their hit song…you haven’t heard it enough on the radio…well, I don’t listen to the radio and The Strange Boys aren’t well enough known yet to have a hit…I wanted to make it back in time to hear All the songs…I got back and my brother was in a different spot…not a problem, more of a positive because in case I get greedy and consider movin’-n-shakin’, more than toe-tappin’ and whisperin’ under breath-rappin’. nobody around me knows me…and a – “Hi all, we’re The Strange Boys from Texas”…they were off…and my head-nodding was in mid-season form…-“Any requests?” and the audience yelled “Should Have Shot Paul”, a Strange Boys song that has McCartney dedicated blog forums going crazy crazy…it’s funny, and don’t get over, simply laugh at “popped the wrong mop-top”…they threw in a Creedence Clearwater cover and 5 or 6 of the classic songs and were done…when it was done, it was a big disappointment – only because we didn’t see the, “This is our last song” coming…coming after the 5th or 6th song played…however, much worth the wait…and Strange Boys, let me know when you’re playing a 6 song set again…I’d seriously go see it…someday though, I have to see a more complete show filled with their entire 16 song catalog…I would also make the trip back to the Market Hotel, I don’t really recommend, but you can take it that way if you must…now go online and purchase And Girls Club by The Strange Boys! And go see them live…if you can make me dance, you must be good.

Insomniac #2

Went to bed at 10:34 and 39 seconds tonight (last night?) and still haven’t fallen asleep…may have dosed for 3 minutes and 67 seconds, but I’m not certain of that…it is now 1:52 AM, March 4, 2009…so I’ve decided to write again…I can tell the inspiration is flowing…I’m pumped about the no sleep again…it’s a beautiful day…mide as well see all of it I can…I realized that often what keeps me up is that my conscience decides to do stand-up comedy during the dosing stages of sleepdom…my brother having usually just gotten home from work, hears me laughing in my sleep…some people snore, I laugh…um, deal with it…of course, I’m not really sleeping at this point, but have awoken, but not completely…I’m in dose stage so I cross my fingers under my pillow that I consider flipping because the side being used at the moment is getting too warm…yet, I don’t want to flip it and unhinge this glorious dose phase…so I cross the fingers which if you’ve ever tried makes it harder to fall asleep…try it tonight…I hope it doesn’t work for you…so, often when sleep deprivation kicks in, I find everything funny…my conscience tells the audience he’s thinking about making a newspaper about saving trees…and is also kicking around his novel in the works that has just in-between lines…and this of course, of course is hilarious unless you’re a horse…they are born without a sense of humor…so I laugh…but then burst out crying because I realize tomorrow (now today) is going to be another horrible day because of no sleep…and now the pillow is wet…

I’ve got the no-sleep blues
Yeah, I’ve got the no-sleep blues girl
So if you ain’t doing nothing tonight, this morning
Come over and let’s drink some booze
And maybe, maybe we could get a refund on your boob job
And instead take a cruise
I’ve got the no-sleep blues
But that shit ain’t any news
‘Cause I’ve been not in the bidness of snooze
Since Stella Got Back Her Groove Back (that’s what she thank)
No-sleep blues
Well alright Chall…

…and another step toward taking ‘the city that never sleeps’ too seriously.

Insomniac #1

It’s time to write a piece about Insomnia…since I am a ‘Niac that doesn’t make me a pro…I don’t get paid to not sleep; however, it may qualify me to talk about the subject…Yesterday, Sunday, March 1, 2009, I went to bed about 10:10 and 34 seconds...that’s the time I approximately go to bed most school nights…gotta wake up and substitute teach the munchkins…Today, Monday, March 2, 2009, it is 6:59 AM and I still haven’t fallen asleep…attention to detail folks…I actually did fall asleep about 15 minutes after going to bed…then awoke, feeling nice and refreshed…this is a daily routine for me…oh, it’s a work-out and it’s not alright…this piece of writing is going to be the first of many -- I hope not…for now on, I am going to write whenever I can’t sleep…it’s going to be an adventure for us all…and I say - I hope not - because it has been at least 4 years since I have had regular quality – sane sleep…and as the saying goes, if one can’t sleep, write…right?...

Sleep deprivation is a creative stimulant – the steroid for writers…many writers are alcoholics…stay away from the drink and drugs kids…just don’t sleep and your mind will be flying and coming up with all different crazy ideas, like being a writer in the first place…or searching Craigslist for jobs only to be seduced by the Casual Encounters section…proceeded by hitting your head on the keyboard after passing out from exhaustion....and waking up to a gig opportunity for a NYC comedy club, The Laugh Factory…calling some talent booker who asks where you’ve performed before, but you haven’t…except for middle school classrooms back in the golden years when you were still actually funny…but now you’ve realized after subbing middle schoolers – they laugh at EVERYTHING…they must be sleep deprived…and all of this results in you opening up doing stand-up comedy for the first time with, “I think we all agree it’s time Cindy Crawford gets rid of her mole”…funny, yes, but more a political statement…it’s just time…it’s just time…Cindy…

A reason to write this piece though is to realize how serious it is…the one thing I like about Insomnia is that it keeps you dreaming…yet, if one can’t sleep, how can one actually pursue…so at night when trying to fall asleep I dream of a day when I can sleep on a regular basis so I can wake up everyday, do whatever I can do to make money, and write…because that is what I want to do…so in the meantime, my Insomia remains, so for now on I’m not going to cry about it…I’m just gonna get the fuck up and write…and I’m thinking about making a comeback to political speeches like the one about Cindy…and another step toward taking ‘the city that never sleeps’ too seriously.

Black Keys’ Concert – Saturday February 7, 2009

The Kennedy bros migrated from The Ridge…that’s slang for Bay Ridge Brooklyn for you foreigners…migrated to Terminal 5 in Manhattan Saturday night to see the Black Keys with an opening act called The Heartless Bastards (new album “The Mountain” in stores now and singer Erika Wennerstrom delivers again)…to avoid dehydration we and some friends quenched our thirst first at Beer Shot Burger bar while watching Uconn Huskies beat Michigan Wolverines in some basketball…did you see the two white dudes on Michigan?...then we took a detour on our way to Terminal 5, doing our best Michael Phelps impression…it wasn’t our cold breath coming out our mouths…and then it was time to see two white guys play some blues…

…early in the day, my bro JK referring to a Black Keys song, “that’s a lot like the Beatles”…I said yeah, but better…somewhat joking but at the same time asking my dad’s generation to admit John Paul George and the other guy are “a little?...just a little???...overrated?...no?...ok…moving on…Nate, the Ok, not the Great, and a long time friend commented, “The Keys sound lil’ like Jimmy”…that’s Hendrix, not the Jimmy from Seinfeld that always referred to himself in 3rd person…So, yes, The Black Keys do have elements of Hendrix and an occasional Beatles influence is noticeable…I still can’t believe THE NERVE of Yoko!!!...also, they are always quickly compared the that other 2-piece band The White Stripes…influences and similarities, yes, but Dan Auerbach (singer/guitarist) and Patrick Carney (drumster) can hold their own – not for Christ’s-sake…these boy’s own Akron, Ohio…the question is…how jealous is Lebron James?

…opening act, Heartless Bastards, as legend has it, were essentially discovered by Carney who saw them perform one night in Ohio (Bastards from Cinci)…Carney let Fat Possum Records know and “the rest is history”? – similar to my just out! Autobiography read as follows, “Names Garrett Dempsey…I was born in 1982 and raised in Southington, Ct is where I’d spend most of my days…and the rest is history”…I will be performing the R-train this week, strumming my One-String Walmart Acoustic that I play “like a motherfucking riot” (Bradley Nowell/Sublime), and HEY CARNEY!, I will be very available to be discovered as well...

…back to The Heartless Bastards…what a name!...band was playing a trivia game and “what was Tom Petty’s back band called?”…and the rest is history…Ericka dumped her former band members, one of which was a former boy friend (Yoko! did it again), but she and the new Bastards still played some classics from their previous two albums – “Searching for the Ghost”, which is a favorite and the first song of theirs I heard…forget cold turkey on this one, it’s to stay in my record collection…check it out on their myspace...the Bastards I’m sure are happy to open for The Black Keys…but I was anticipating this band as much as The Keys and deserve to be headliners…go see them!...Drum roll…

…Black Keys!...Auerbach rocking the overgrown red beard…maybe I should grow…eh…no…and, not all I have to say, but The Black Keys delivered…stop reading this and see them yourself…which you should have plans to do anyways otherwise why read this…still think John Butler Trio is the best concert I’ve seen…and I like the Black Keys albums much better…concert experiences depend on venues and your own mood though…for instance, I saw the Raconteurs and had the runs the whole time…the ‘teurs overcame that and put on a pretty good show…let’s end this with…I wanna see The Keys again and so should you…Dan Auerbach solo effort, Keep It Hid out now!...below is YouTube link to Dan and his Uncle playing a classic from the album, “Trouble Weighs a Ton”…March 2, Auerbach at Williamsburg Hall of Music in Brooklyn and I will be there!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUlZB8TFQjs

...Sunday Mo Jo...

Sexy never went anywhere…I have a mirror…but guess what is back…Sunday Mo Jo is, whether or not your name is Jack…and now American politics are pondering the saying, “Once you go black, you never go back”, in a different light these days…it doesn’t smell like roses, because I’ve never smelled roses before…well, I have, but in that case we aren’t referring to the flower, but a dancer, that is obviously paying for college…I’ll give in for a second and reveal that I have smelled roses before and I’m not impressed…and refuse to think that women truly love them so much…roses smo-ses…furthermore…or less…it does smell like something’s in the air these days…and I have a clogged nostril…not nostrils…only one is clogged and the other is making a whistling noise to the tune of Dylan’s “Blowing in the Wind”…I can’t really smell that well…in fact, I suck at smelling…never been good at it…but the stench ‘round her’ is so strong that it might lead a corny-ass mo fo to come up with a ridiculous metaphor, but that I will not do…it’s a policy of mine…and should be a policy of President Barack HUESSEIN Obama’s presidency…speaking of our new president…what I believe I smell is Obama’s feekle odor…dude is like a Rocket Scientist with his poetic oratory (ridiculous), but his ass reeks…however, other than that being in the air, many of Dylan’s questions no longer have to blow…when Obama was elected, I magically turned on “Blowing in the Wind” and it sounded like a f*cking (?) victory song…some may mock the HOPE people are putting in one man, but sh*t, Mr. Huessein…I call people by their middle name…it’s an un-common courtesy…hardy har har…I’m bringing that back too…Barack is undeniably inspirational…Jesus even showed up for the inauguration…in the form of Shuttlesworth that is…Ray! Allen was there…and many packers of the bible are devastated, that yes, Jesus is black…and hopefully Barack will bring back some respectability to the presidency…however, am I the only one that realized John McCain’s campaign never brought up how much Obama is like Bush…there truly is an elephant in this room…it’s next to the cardboard cutout of the Kennedy’s new cat COSMO!...Mo!...I’ll be coming home soon whether or not you’re reading this…the Obama-Bush linkage is not referring to intelligence…I mean George Bush is still looking for Waldo for crying out loud when the 2nd graders I was substitute teaching for once called me a leprechaun…those were the short lived days of when I grew pubic hair around my lips disguised as a goatee…not exactly comparable to the days my father decided to grow a mustache back in the 70s…I wish I had this frame of mind back in the day…no dad, I don’t have to listen to you…you used to rock the stache and doing things like that enables corny as mo fos to get away with saying corny ass sayings like “let’s be serious”…I don’t have to listen to anyone that wears pubic hair above their upper lip…this is a democracy, a word Bush just looked up on Wikipedia when attempting to rewrite his bio…the Obama-Bush linkage is about inspiration…both are a reflection that ANYTHING is possible…hardy har har…remind self to look up the origins of “hardy har har” and raise a Guinness pint to the mo fo inventor…and for now, and in the spirit of the recent history made, I raise this cup of Sunday Mo Jo to you Mr. President…Obama too…and there’s a Cup of Sunday Mo Jo…