...I told my girlfriend to take it like a man...
..."Did somebody write that down?"...
..."I'm an animal lover," my brother said...but added, "I'd don't think I'd ever put that in writing"...I would...did...
..."On second thought, this is a great gift"..."On third...no, it's not"...
..."Do you have any gum?"..."Yes...want a piece?"..."No thanks"...
...Just pretend I'm not even here...I don't even have to pretend...I don't know exactly where I am...but certainly not here...
...Alcohol commercial: just show a man's shoes with a bottle next to them on the floor...(man's worn shoes, having a drink after a hard days work)...
...Get on a stage...but tell audience to excuse you because you have to go to the bathroom...walk off stage and say it went away...where'd it go?...every time you get on stage you have to go to the bathroom...you get off and it goes away...opposite of bathroom stage freight...
...I'm going to describe the indescribable...I'm going to write what words can't explain...
...The idea that I think it's funny makes it funny...
...Treadmill idea: running on it...person next to me says, "Boy, you're racing"...out of breath, I say, "Trying to get there"...
...Album title: I like How Your Shirt's Tucked Into Your Boxers...
..."Ladies and Gentlemen...'Licking Knives'"...
...Sitcom called..."Relax...Oh, ok"...
...someone told me to relax...I said, "Oh, ok...I didn't think of that...thanks...should I eat 3 meals a day too?...or is it now 5?...or 6?...how about a peanut every other minute?...how many meals would that be?...every minute would have been ridiculous to say...
...a nod from a stranger / a reminder / I'm still alive...
...Add to list of hobbies / or simply things I enjoy: scratching off the crusty thing underneath a Dunkin Donuts coffee container...it's a good time...similar to the fun of pushing down the buttons atop a soft drink you get at McDonald's that say diet, etc....both are two of America's greatest past-times...they aren't?...
..."Do I have a good chew?...some people are all over the place or too up and down, too chompy"...
...You smell like chicken wings...no, but that's a good thing...
...My tweets on Twitter always say, "Not reading your tweets"...
...Dissect usage of words draw and drawer...
...Skit about reading these ideas I come up with on trains like those that say prayers on trains do...how insane do you have to be?...
...Sitcom: Elementary school kids have meetings before school about how they are going to mess up teacher's day...for example...today Barry-Joe is going to make comments about the cat's ass in today's read-aloud story...and all the kids are going to have a case of the jimmy-legs during spelling class...And, during share, all kids are going to tell stories that make no sense and they will end without the proper voice ending so you don't know they are finished...and we're going to laugh at things that aren't close to being funny, but we're kids so we can laugh at anything...Sally is gonna often repeat things that other students already said and play if off like she wasn't even in the same room...but all these are premeditated and given during the pre-school meeting...Have a leader of the class running the meeting...giving each student their annoyance of the day...another example...Michael is the leader and tells Mathew, "You are going to stand on your head or sit in odd positions on the rug during lessons and story time...the teacher is going to tell you to stop and think you have attention-span problems, but then we will all laugh, and our teacher won't understand why we're all laughing, and she'll play it off that we are just kids being kids...they don't know about these meetings"...
...Tell the audience that your act is filled with "you should have been there" jokes...
..."Don't put that cup on that coaster...it's a brand new coaster"...
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