Initiation Tool - create "Morning Pages", writing 3 pages longhand every morning (90 days straight)
Sat. Sept. 11, 2001 - "Morning Pages" - Day #32 - Home, CT, not Brooklyn, but still chillin', and writing, the only way I know how...
...I've been putting off writing today. I've talked about being anxious before, and this is different, but there's this anxiousness sitting in my stomach before I write. I 'm nervous about the performance. I've referred to each night sleeping as a performance, another failed attempt, by now you know what I'm talking about...Well, most of you do, except that guy, he sucks, and doesn't understand anything I talk about - and that's what he and I have in common - but he still sucks...and that's what I'm afraid of, that I'll suck, and end up like that guy...I'd take a picture of him so you could see how much he sucks, but I'm afraid he'll break my camera...and so, yeah, I feel anxious before writing. It's a lot like an athlete before a big game - what?...it's exactly like that? Ok, I'll agree. The only exception is that I'm using my mind more so than my body. This makes me think of using mind and body -- those damn people at that expensive gym. I'm talking about the gymsters that run or bike and read at the same time. I was going to say I'm sorry, but realized I'm not...but, if you can read then you can't exercise. Ok, I am not saying that literate people are so unathletic that they completely don't have the ability to exercise, no. And, on the other side, this would be playing in to the idea that the most athletic can't read. Like Charlie in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia said, "Illiterate, what does that even mean?"...What I am saying is that if you are exercising, to the point that it could actually do something beneficial, then it is not possible to see the words enough to "read"...Fuck those people...go to the library, get in a quick read, couple sets, then go to the gym, get a quick jog in, couple chapters...otherwise you're going to end up like "that guy" I was talking about before, remember?, he sucks...
...This anxiousness before writing remains though...I guess it's a good thing in a way, you know, I want to do a good job...I've thought before that writers are just adult athletes, and I know Tom Brady is 33, a perceived adult, but he still throws a ball around, grow up Tom and pick up a pen...
...I write while waiting for my food to be delivered, just another starving artist, I'm not?...The food arrives, interrupting this flow of great writing, but...but I ordered soul food, and it will more than likely help my writing, adding some soul...let me pause to feed this freckled soul's face...be back as soon as the emptiness is filled...filled with Chicken Peppernota, I think Shakespeare ate that...after Juliet committed suicide, if you heard differently, you were lied to...pause...
...I'm surprised it took me this long to make the writer-athlete comparison -- because, I agree, I'm such the prototypical student-athlete, athletic-scholar...I have to get my right hand in better shape for this upcoming season though, it hurts doing all this writing...I thought after that meal I'd come back with more soul...but, I didn't show up to write today...It's time I start taking it seriously...I think I'm getting there, but can do better, get into better writer-shape...We scream at the television, "Catch the ball you damn millionaire!"...we get mad at athletes for taking plays off, but don't do so to ourselves...that might be because screaming "catch the ball millionaire" to ourselves wouldn't make sense...but, I'm being a lazy writer right now, and going to say I'll end up like "that guy", remember, he sucks, if I continue this laziness...I kind of suck today too, not my best performance...and I can't give you the, "I gave it my all", as I walk off this court...legal pad...
...Yeah, I was an athlete...was...and now pay for that expensive gym every month to try to get back to the athlete I was...Yesterday, I thought I was getting there, but today felt like I was 28 going on 38...you're almost there Brady!...I guess this writing is like trying to get back into shape, you're going to have days when you feel like you're making progress, other days you feel like like what you're literally doing - running in place on that treadmill, going nowhere, gaining no progress...But, I'll live to see another day, right?...Like I said, I haven't begun writing that bullshit movie yet...I find myself just going through the motions right now, just writing to full-fill today's self-imposed homework assignment, today's "Morning Pages" commitment...ready to fall asleep...I should have really done this in this in the "morning", remember?...
...I'm just going to fill these lines and get this over with today...I like the athlete-writer comparison...It specifically makes me look back at my athletic career, and I believe, I can apply what I wish I had done with that to my writing career...I'm not saying I could have played basketball professionally (yes I am), but eventually I have to make a living and writing is the way I'd like to do it...The comparison with athletes comes with me looking back on my athletic career and not going for it...I worked hard, but my personality, bashfulness, got in the way...As a basketball player you can't tip-toe your way around the court not trying to make mistakes...that's what I did...I still became pretty damn good though and will challenge anyone I've ever played with or against to a game of 1 on 1...I'm out of shape, but I'll still beat you...I guess, writing everyday is keeping my pen in shape...but eventually if I want to go "pro" I have to do more than just stay in shape...and not tip-toe, and just be another player, another writer, and not be afraid of making mistakes...
...On the last page I jotted down in the margins: Is it effort? Or just lack of confidence and the balls to go for it?...Well, unlike athletes, writing has no age-hour-clock...I'm going to write the rest of my life and answer these questions...Some days athletes suck, some days writers suck...but we all can live on...knowing we will never suck as much as..."that guy".
...This anxiousness before writing remains though...I guess it's a good thing in a way, you know, I want to do a good job...I've thought before that writers are just adult athletes, and I know Tom Brady is 33, a perceived adult, but he still throws a ball around, grow up Tom and pick up a pen...
...I write while waiting for my food to be delivered, just another starving artist, I'm not?...The food arrives, interrupting this flow of great writing, but...but I ordered soul food, and it will more than likely help my writing, adding some soul...let me pause to feed this freckled soul's face...be back as soon as the emptiness is filled...filled with Chicken Peppernota, I think Shakespeare ate that...after Juliet committed suicide, if you heard differently, you were lied to...pause...
...I'm surprised it took me this long to make the writer-athlete comparison -- because, I agree, I'm such the prototypical student-athlete, athletic-scholar...I have to get my right hand in better shape for this upcoming season though, it hurts doing all this writing...I thought after that meal I'd come back with more soul...but, I didn't show up to write today...It's time I start taking it seriously...I think I'm getting there, but can do better, get into better writer-shape...We scream at the television, "Catch the ball you damn millionaire!"...we get mad at athletes for taking plays off, but don't do so to ourselves...that might be because screaming "catch the ball millionaire" to ourselves wouldn't make sense...but, I'm being a lazy writer right now, and going to say I'll end up like "that guy", remember, he sucks, if I continue this laziness...I kind of suck today too, not my best performance...and I can't give you the, "I gave it my all", as I walk off this court...legal pad...
...Yeah, I was an athlete...was...and now pay for that expensive gym every month to try to get back to the athlete I was...Yesterday, I thought I was getting there, but today felt like I was 28 going on 38...you're almost there Brady!...I guess this writing is like trying to get back into shape, you're going to have days when you feel like you're making progress, other days you feel like like what you're literally doing - running in place on that treadmill, going nowhere, gaining no progress...But, I'll live to see another day, right?...Like I said, I haven't begun writing that bullshit movie yet...I find myself just going through the motions right now, just writing to full-fill today's self-imposed homework assignment, today's "Morning Pages" commitment...ready to fall asleep...I should have really done this in this in the "morning", remember?...
...I'm just going to fill these lines and get this over with today...I like the athlete-writer comparison...It specifically makes me look back at my athletic career, and I believe, I can apply what I wish I had done with that to my writing career...I'm not saying I could have played basketball professionally (yes I am), but eventually I have to make a living and writing is the way I'd like to do it...The comparison with athletes comes with me looking back on my athletic career and not going for it...I worked hard, but my personality, bashfulness, got in the way...As a basketball player you can't tip-toe your way around the court not trying to make mistakes...that's what I did...I still became pretty damn good though and will challenge anyone I've ever played with or against to a game of 1 on 1...I'm out of shape, but I'll still beat you...I guess, writing everyday is keeping my pen in shape...but eventually if I want to go "pro" I have to do more than just stay in shape...and not tip-toe, and just be another player, another writer, and not be afraid of making mistakes...
...On the last page I jotted down in the margins: Is it effort? Or just lack of confidence and the balls to go for it?...Well, unlike athletes, writing has no age-hour-clock...I'm going to write the rest of my life and answer these questions...Some days athletes suck, some days writers suck...but we all can live on...knowing we will never suck as much as..."that guy".
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