...Scraps-n-Drafts...

- Phone rings...my brother answers, and casually says, "Who the fuck is this?"...and then breaks into Biggie Smalls' song..."paging me at 5:46 in the morning, crack of dawnin, now I'm yawnin, wipe the cold out my eye"...

- Say goodbye to people at a party...and tell them, "Don't move your pivot foot"...walk away...

- "Are you more like your mom or dad?"..."I'm more like my cat"...

- Show about pitching shows...example, pitching show about our cat Bob...today's episode he sits in our apartment's new box...he doesn't?...just did and it just got a thousand hits on Youtube, dude...

- Every kid left back wasn't stupid (except yours)...every kid moved forward, or put in the "gifted and talented program", was not a genius (except mine)...Continue this and relate to art, etc....Most just middle of the road motherfuckers, just trying to earn a buck, looking for some luck...

- My walk / Tiger Woods' swing comparison...how people wonder why I'd change it when it's already perfected...so they think (thank)...

- I am a writer...if there ever was one...recite that line like it's already been sung...a familiar territory...like the words have already come out your lung...

- Excuse me, sir, you're fly is down...No it's not...Now it is...

..."need a dump truck, baby, to unload my head"...

There are just certain people in this world that see the world differently...and they have a vision that is rare...I want to make sure with my writing that people realize...I am Not one of those people...

Here's another attempt at making people realize this:

...I'm a ghost of my former self...
...I hear people say my full name
and don't respond right away...
...Or maybe, it's like my ambitions...
...My response is on delay...
...But it will come to fruition someday...
...They won't?...
...Well, maybe that line wasn't written this time
for the purpose of gaining a quote...
...I'm not really sure about any of the answers,
ask my ghost...
...As others put down their drinks,
I'm just discovering thee toast...
...I don't need the other's commentary...
...I've provided it myself...
...Criticizing, a self kind of roast...
...I am a ghost
of my former self...

...And, my ghost never finished this...don't blame me...he'll get around to it someday...

..."need a dump truck, baby, to unload my head"...

...the day I become free...

...is the day I don't have to comb my hair...

...is that the day I lose it all...
...or the day I just forget to care...

...John Lennon...

...a belated RIP to John Lennon...the Beatle was shot dead in front of The Dakota, his apartment in NYC after coming back from the studio on the evening of Dec. 8, 1980, thirty years ago...I had no idea in high school when we read (or didn't read, will eventually) Catcher in the Rye that Mark David Chapman, the murderer of John Lennon, was reading the book before he shot Lennon...Chapman had seen Lennon outside The Dakota earlier in the day, and Lennon autographed a copy of Double Fantasy for him..."Obviously" I had heard The Beatles' music all my life, from my father's home speakers, to commercials and movie soundtracks...but I never really sat down and listened until I heard Lennon's solo song Working Class Hero...this connected his music to Dylan's for me...and then I came across more of his solo songs, like God, and Look at Me...click on the songs to listen...Look At Me "inspired" (I guess, and forever will) me to write the following; specifically his lyric, "Who am I supposed to be"...and, read below and then the quotes around "Obviously" will make sense, they won't?:

...And so I ask for...
...For was John Lennon singing the soundtrack to my life
when he'd recite - "Who am I supposed to be?"...
...Now we have this degree...
...We want to be free...
...Some got so high on higher education...
...And now don't know how to just simply be...
...Well, obviously...
...So obvious I had to state it was obvious...
...Why is obvious even a word...
...If it is, then it just is...
...Well, obviously...
...I don't have the answers for me...
...And, Mr. Lennon certainly doesn't have all the answers for me...
...But, one thing I do know is...
...That, I've got this music inside of me...
...That's creatin' a riot within me...
...I've got an insecurity that sets my self-esteem on fire...
...So, I'm gonna continue placing Lennon's words through the wire...
...Like Cobain's -
..."To put out the blowtorch"...

...Homework assignment...sent from Johnnykmusic...

Homework assignment: Write down your all-time favorite songs. NOT those you consider the best, but rather your personal favorites, for whatever reason.

Below is the list I came up with, and then had to narrow it down to 4...click on them to hear:

Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
Get By - Talib Kweli
Crazy Love - Van Morrison
Road to Rocknroll - Joe Strummer
Trouble Weighs a Ton - Dan Auerbach (of the Black Keys)
Devil's Waitin' - Black Rebel Motorcyle Club
Still Not John, Still Not Yoko - We're Not John and Yoko (girlfriend/me)
The Times They're A-Changin' - Bob Dylan
Cat Power - Live in Bars
Ain't No More Cain - (Traditional) Bob Dylan's live version from The Gaslight Tapes
Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground
Jesus on the Mainline - (Traditional) Mr. Airplane Man's version
Hotel Yorba - White Stripes

(bolded ones were the chosen ones...is that racist in any way?)

...The list could go on forever...because people write their favorite lists, and then I continue creating some of the best music ever...and they have to adjust their lists, they don't?...I'm not?...Ok, well...these were the first 12 songs I immediately thought of...there are 13 listed, but one is not a "real" song...yet...find which one doesn't belong...I narrowed these down to 4...the last song crossed out was Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground...to me that sound is how I hear rocknroll in my head...whatever that means...but you do know what I mean...I chose to go with Get By - Talib Kweli instead...for those that never listened to rap music, well, this is as good as it gets and deserves the respect that all the songs on your list get...todaboconoma for now...good luck with your own lists...and submit it to Johnnykmusic...if anyone ever reads this...I can't believe I left off The White Stripes...and Cat Power's Maybe Not...check out the performance on Letterman...forever second guessing...but there must be a reason I ended up picking 4 of the first 5 I thought of.

..."need a dump truck, baby, to unload my head"...

...unloading my head...and yesterday, unloaded this:

...I really don't know what else to say...

...I've said all that can be said...

...I've written all my ideas down in journals

that nobody will have read...

...The glory will come in the afterlife, they said...

...And people will recognize your work when you're dead...

...That's not what I wanted to write...

...Then again...
...That's not what you wish you had lived...
...And that's not what I wish I had reread...

...But it's the present thought-dreams

going through my head...

...Hitting this page for me to countlessly re-recite...

...It's time to put this one to bed...

...You recite it

as your kid falls asleep...

...Just because dinner finished hours ago

doesn't mean one can't continue to be fed...

...Feed me your compliments, under the gas

when I'm on my death bed...

...And that'll be the day

my mind 's no longer on the run...

...Unloading that dumptruck

filled with forgotten dreams...
...Leaving today's frost for today's cold ground...
...Burning under another day's sun...
...And that'll be the hymn I hum
as I walk yet run...
...Racing to my old, erasing my young...

(yup, I agree, I should be teaching children)

...The Right to Write - Exercise

Initiation Tool - create "Morning Pages", writing 3 pages longhand every morning (90 days straight)

Wed. Sept. 15, 2010 - Morning Pages - Day #36 - Caffe Cafe, coffee & tea bar, Bay Ridge Brooklyn...

I'm enjoying a coffee with "cream and sugar", my nickname around this block - "Hey, yo, cream and sugar!...what up?"...It's one of those nicknames you like, but pretend to not hear when it's called out...I'm sitting outside Caffe Cafe in Bay Ridge Brooklyn with this coffee around the block from my apartment...I say I'm enjoying it - because that's what I'm doing...but, to get into specifics, I'm enjoying today's coffee, especially, because I went with the cream, not just the usual milk, pronounced "Melk"...it reminds me of a wonder time in my life when I'd wake up, roll over, smiling like those people in those mattress commercials, and fall back asleep - you know that feeling...

(pause above thoughts, for)...Somebody just got hit by a car...Wow!...That'll wake you up, forget coffee...I hear commotion and realize someone just got hit by a car, every morning...The waitress and I showed our concern...I'll admit I snuck in a couple lines of writing, you already read them...but, the woman seems ok, cops by her side, and had gotten up by her own power...

...Back to that feeling, you know the feeling of waking up and rolling over, going back to sleep...for some reason the sound of the word "cream" reminds me of that feeling, it's something and I want it back! -- For now I'll settle for that nickname though, "Yo, Cream-n-Sugar, what up!?"...

...What's up is I'm stilling enjoying this coffee outside Caffe Cafe...falls here, and it's getting colder, the breeze sneaking up my Addidas warm-ups, hitting me in the balls, refreshing -- the coldness down there, and the warmth felt by the coffee running down my throat, emptying into my stomach is a great concoction for solace...don't say "it" Michale Scott!...ok, say it...

(pause above thoughts, for)...A guy I know in Bay Ridge?...Yes, a guy I know passes the coffee place, sees me, and starts complaining...complaining that there is no parking, and the reason for it was this woman getting hit by a car...and now he is late for work...because this woman got hit by a car...his work, which is a hair salon...a place where I get my hair cut...but when I get mine done, or did, it's a barber shoppe...but this guy is a prick, complaining about being late after someone got hit by a car...so for now on he must say "hair salon" when people ask him where he works...

...Somethings slap you in the face, and hopefully wake you up to realize how precise life is...That woman that got hit by the car will eventually get the message...a message to my generation that it doesn't always come in the form of a "text"...sometimes you get hit by an automobile to get the message...My mom tried this when I was young...I'm still young, and she still tries to hit me with her Rockin'-Rita-Mobile...I dodge her attempts to wake me up every time...She should attempt to hit that guy that was complaining...probably too easy though because he's fat, and works at a hair salon...I don't want to stereotype guys that work at hair salons - meaning, that's not what I'd ideally like to be doing with my life this instance, but feel it is a must...I'm just guessing though...guys that work at hair salons have a way below average first-step...believe me, I've hit on them, whatever that means...maybe it's time for me to wake up...

...The whole idea of waking up, in it's literally or physical sense, and metaphoric sense, hits an insomniac in a different way...I'd say it's unique, but the "different" in this sense is not unique in any way - similar to your kid that you think is so "special"...I wrote in a previous "Morning Pages" that I'm still traveling back...that was referring to me still overcoming, and still comprehending, this whole sleeping problem -- I'm still waking up from it...I write this after another sub-par sleeping performance last night, fell asleep about 12, woke up 4:30ish, rolled around, involuntary moment after involuntary moment...fucking shit, stop moving...and then I decided to get up...my girlfriend's alarm was going to go off anyways at 5:30...my hand hurts...and brain hurts...and I'm reminded of hearing kids, like 5 to 12 year olds, complaining how tired they are...of course, as an insomniac, I roll my eyes, thinking, "You have no idea"...You know, many times on weekends, when you stay up late on purpose, watching TV, then can't fall asleep because you're overtired...and so you continue watching TV...Well, that's how I feel mostly everyday...I can't shut that damn TV off that symbolizes my mind...and at night when I actually turn off the real TV, well, my mind still feels, or looks like that flashing TV screen...you know, when all the lights are off, your eyes also flickering, trying to stay awake, debating should I go to bed or watch more TV?...well, it's already late, or early, and I'm going to be exhausted anyways so I might as well laugh at this damn infomercial that's airing on Comedy Central about a fucking new hip-hop workout routine...in-between hangovers, term papers, and the never ending job search, right?, hip-hop changed from Run-DMC and Public Enemy to putting dumbbells in your hands and kicking your legs above your head...I should have seen that transition coming...like you should see these transitions in my writing...I guess, and forever will, that this is just another opportunity for the white man to make a buck off a black man's art, or bad luck, whatever...a little off topic, yes, well, that's just an insomniac's mind wandering-n-racing to nowhere except the bottom of this page, others hearing it as complaining?...and so...

...And so, I hear these kids complaining how tired they are...and then people older than me, many with kids, parents up all night with their newborns, hear me complaining about how tired I am...and they instantly think, "You have no idea"...My thumb kills, how am I ever going to hitchhike across this land to reach the crossroads?...I guess we are all tired, or all have something to complain about...or write about...I guess I write about this, rant in ways, because I want to be done complaining about everything...In ways it may seem I'm complaining about my sleep problem, you ever think I'm actually crying out for help?...No, well, I'm not at that point, anymore...already washed those tears away...I have found a new way to deal, something unique to put my energy into - and that's writing...what I write may not be unique, but the idea of writing to deal with the complaints about the world that surrounds us is, in a way...especially by those that never thought of doing this themselves...

...Again, I may have forgotten to develop a point here...was busy ranting again, and I sense there was some raving too...maybe I am coming back, waking up...I guess I'll conclude today's pages with that I'm done complaining, and that relates to previous pages where I said it's time to stop wishing, and start doing the work, referring to my whole visions of writing, and a life of doing so...I've done some of my work today, and hopefully that hair salon loser has started working too...I hope he wasn't too late for work, how dare that lady get hit by a car and disrupt his path, his plans for today...anyways...

Jotted in margin on last page: complaining - adults never sleep, maybe insomnia is just an adult state of mind - then you hear kids, 5 year olds, etc., saying they're tired, I think, you have no idea, then new parents hear me complaining, they think I have no idea -- Well, I guess, "only if" we were all bowlers, and knew what it was like to be in other people's shoes -- I tried on the five year old's, sweet new and fresh Jordans, but didn't fit...

...And, I think we all agree, we all need to be hit by a car at least once in a lifetime...this was just that woman's time -- which is hilarious because she's ok - "Life is a great adventure, " said Jerry Seinfeld...reading this off an article latched to the fridge...an article I saved that my momma mailed to me from Connecticut a couple years ago...and ma, life is good, again...I think I'm coming back, and definitely want to...I'm done complaining...I'm doing my work, and another step in my right direction taken...Watch Out!...tomorrow might be your day...to be hit by a car...maybe a metaphoric one...todaboconoma, most definitely.